When someone we love passes, the world is no longer the same—and may never be again. No part of grief is ever easy, but perhaps one of the most complex new realities is walking through the home where they lived, surrounded by their life, memories, and items in the silence of their absence.
For many, the idea of what to do with their loved one's belongings after death feels far too overwhelming, and often, we cannot contemplate letting go of anything in the moment as we deal with the reality of our new life without them.
For some, they deal with their loved one's belongings immediately; for others, it may take months or years—however long it takes; if you are here with us today at a loss as to what to do with your loved one's belongings after their death, we hope we can offer you the answers you seek below.
Everyday Reminders: What To Do
Sometimes, when a loved one passes, such as a parent or grandparent, they may have their own home. And while it can be excruciating visiting their home, surrounded by memories and items that spark happiness and sorrow—you can always return home to take a much-needed emotional break.
When someone who lives with us passes, their belongings often surround you. From to-do lists and keys, clothing and perfumes or colognes, notes and keepsakes, and more. Usually, everywhere you look is a heartbreaking reminder of the person you have lost.
While some of these items can be comforting, many can end up being small, but extremely painful reminders of the absence in your home.
If you cannot find it within yourself to throw away items such as unused medications and half-empty conditioner bottles, there is no shame in reaching out to find someone who can.
When that person is there, do your best to try and find the everyday reminders (toothpaste, a retainer, their favorite pen, favorite cup, dirty laundry, personal hygiene, for example, can be everyday reminders) that are most painful for you. Ask them if they would be willing to put it in a box or container—something that keeps them out of sight until you are emotionally ready to go through them if you are not ready to throw them away, wash the clothing, etc.
Getting Started
Like so many things when we grieve, there's no right or wrong way to approach sorting through a loved one's belongings after they pass. However, one thing that is always helpful is to try and plan. Bagging up everything and tossing it could become a point of regret, yet keeping everything for years because you don't want to deal with it is also not a good choice. Only you know when you will be ready, and when you are, consider:
- Will you want to sort alone or with others? And if you need help sorting, who will you pick? Your mind may go immediately to close family members, but you want a family member or friend who is good at organizing or helping you make decisions over the years.
- Ask your loved ones, friends, and family if they wish for any items they may want to keep, and ask them to be very specific. This can avoid feelings of conflict and remove some of the weight of figuring out what item might have sentimental value to which family member.
- Decide where to start. For many, deciding where to begin is the most significant and challenging part. You don't need a detailed step-by-step plan (unless that helps), but loosely decide a room to start with or a category of item priority. For example, if your loved one was responsible for all the bills, you may wish to start at their desk, office, or filing cabinet first.
- You will stumble upon items you may not have seen in years and will be going through continuous reminders of the person you have lost. Therefore, you must always pace yourself for your mental and physical health. Take breaks when and if it gets too overwhelming.
If you are still struggling with starting, here's a suggestion for categories to hopefully get you going.
- Donate
- Save for me
- Save for others
- Sell
- Throw away
The best advice we have heard and learned over the years is to approach this experience with patience and flexibility, with yourself, your emotions, and others. Try to surround yourself with those who can support and love you and be there for you. While it feels like a monumental task, and there will be tears, you will also find joyous and fond memories and be able to perhaps share those with others along with laughter, all of which is another step on the path toward healing.