"Let your holiday grief be what it is. And let yourself—your new, grieving self—be who you are." -- Alan D. Wolfelt.
For many, losing someone they love leaves them adrift, a jumble of emotions mingled with sorrow that can take a very long time to heal through. The holiday season can be challenging whether the loss is fresh or years ago. It can bring those conflicting emotions back to the forefront, causing many of us to feel grief as fresh as if it were yesterday.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Chanukah, Ramadan, birthdays, and New Year's Day can become painful as they highlight the person we miss most. A loved one who always carved the turkey, questions about who will decorate the tree, and that feeling of emptiness while watching others celebrate is common for those coping with grief.
Holidays often spark memories that remind us of who we loved and lost, triggering a wave of anguish that can be difficult to cope with.
The first step to coping with loss during the holidays is acknowledging that the first holiday season and those after can be the most difficult. We hope we can prepare you for these emotions and obtain support with these gentle suggestions and tips.
Grieving During the Holidays – How to Cope as Best as Possible
If you are currently bracing for the first holiday without a loved one or another holiday without them and are here with us looking for tips on coping, you are already taking the first steps to take care of yourself. Admitting that you need help is the first and most often challenging step toward facing your grief.
- Plan
Create a plan about what you will do and who you will be with. Don't focus on what you think or what other people think you "" should do"" because how we grieve and what each of us needs to help cope is unique. Focus on what you know you will need. Planning, even if it's as simple as a bullet list in a physical or digital journal, can help manage those feelings of dread as the holiday nears, assisting you in feeling more prepared for whatever you may feel. Your plan should include items and things you've done to help yourself.
And remember to respect your body and energy. Grief is not only complicated for our emotions but can also take a toll on our energy and health. Make sure to include a plan that won't drain you physically and emotionally. Be kind to yourself and your energy.
- Will there be Children?
If you have children within your family, or if children will be coming over to celebrate the holiday with you—in your plan, don't forget that they tend to rely on consistency and routine. If they have lost a parent or a grandparent, if it isn't too painful, try and include something a parent or person they are mourning will usually do. However you choose to observe the holiday and attempt to carry on tradition and routine, remember that it will never be nor feel the same way as before—and that is perfectly normal. Grief is part of the healing experience, and it is o.k. to allow yourself and others to feel it.
- Fight Against Withdrawl or to Cancel
For some, our instinct when dealing with overwhelming emotions is to withdraw from others. We may be tempted to remove ourselves from visiting family or cancel any holiday celebrations you have usually observed. We gently urge you to resist the temptation to do either. It is perfectly reasonable to avoid a situation or circumstance you don't feel ready to handle—but don't give in to the urge to isolate yourself. Avoidance and withdrawal are natural parts of the process, but they are not places you should dwell in for a long time. Everyone needs and deserves a break from grief, and when we isolate, we tend to begin to overthink and become overwhelmed with negative thoughts.
- Allow Yourself To Feel the Emotions
There is a widespread misconception that we must be strong for ourselves or others amid our grief.
Trying to say strong or trying to repress your feelings tends only to prolong the grief we feel. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, be it joy, sadness, anger, or confusion—it is essential to recognize that grieving has no set start, middle, or end. It is a journey and a process with winding roads, ups and downs. You can experience laughter and joy while feeling the deep sadness for your missing loved one—smiling and laughing does not mean you have forgotten your loved one or done something wrong.
- Take Care of You
Grief takes a toll on our energy and our ability to function. If you find it challenging to take care of yourself, try to speak to yourself as you would if your best friend or a family member were going through what you are experiencing. Be patient, adjust your expectations, and ensure your self-care. It can be tempting to turn toward using alcohol for some to self-medicate their mood or bury themselves and their emotions in the hustle and bustle of the holidays to try and avoid their feelings. Try and turn to healthier coping options, such as writing in a journal, writing a letter to your lost loved one, permitting yourself to get something frivolous that you enjoy, and so on.
- Create a New Holiday Tradition or Ritual that Honors Your Situation
Many of us may find immense comfort in embracing family traditions during the holidays, while others may feel it is too painful. Don't be afraid to talk to your family about what traditions or activities you may want to include, exclude, or change this year. Some examples include deciding that someone different will be cutting the turkey, or someone else will be setting up the tree, or including comforting mourning rituals such as lighting memorial candles or bringing bouquets on the holiday table in memory of your loved one.